A fault of mine has always been creating strict parameters for myself. I get consumed with carrying out actions I think will be pleasing to others, including God, and then ruminate obsessively if I fail. On March 15, 2020, I started a journal to process my emotions during quarantine and create an open dialogue with God. I decided that each night I would write one page listing all the things I was grateful for and a second page of things I wanted to manifest and affirmations I created for myself. My journaling proved to be a true outlet for me at first. As time progressed I realized that guilt would surge within my heart if I did not write those two things every single day before bed. I recognized that at some point, I had internalized that not writing in my journal meant that I wasn’t communing with God. If I forgot to write prior to laying down in bed, I would guiltily sulk and call myself selfish for wanting to just go to sleep until I forced myself to sit up and write. I convinced myself that this was what true discipline looked like. After some time and reflection, I realized I had created a prison for myself. Discipline is important, but holding yourself to rigid guidelines without giving yourself grace is stifling. I found myself leaning into a false narrative that I had created in my head. My thoughts said “You are not worthy if you do not do x,y, and z.” 

On April 12, 2020, after meditation, I realized that the mental prison I had created for myself, by creating harsh and inflexible expectations of what was supposed to give me freedom, seemed oxymoronic. On April 13, 2020, I watched a movie called Unorthodox. There was a message for me embedded in the story of the main character, Esty. The universe used something as trivial as a character in a movie to put things in perspective for me. Esty taught me to fight for my voice and freedom. I have been blessed with freedom. A freedom that was given to me at birth. Building a relationship with myself and respecting the divine within me means that I have to value and uphold the freedom I was blessed with. I changed the way I journal. I still choose to write everyday, but if there is a day where I just don’t feel like it, I try not to spiral (recalibration of your thinking is not automatic). I tell myself that everything is okay. God and those important to me won’t stop loving me because I took a day off. 

Stop creating mental prisons for yourself. Next time you find yourself participating in negative self-talk, remind yourself that the cycling you are experiencing is a mental prison. If you walk around with guilt you are walking around in the confines of a prison you created. Obviously I know that we can’t always control what we feel, and, I believe some level of self-accountability is important, but make sure your level of accountability is healthy and that it is for things that matter. Often, we find any excuse to talk down to ourselves. Skipping a few days of journaling should not have triggered the amount of guilt I felt. I needed to learn to give myself grace with small things and larger things. Forgive your inconsistencies and cherish your freedom. Prison is not fun.